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murphyclannw.com  |  Most Anything (Public View)  |  Irish & Scottish Jokes  |  Topic: Irish Jokes Thread « previous next »
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Author Topic: Irish Jokes Thread  (Read 10008 times)
The Firishman
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Posts: 49


Living Life in a Blissful State of Unconsciousness


« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2009, 06:55:47 PM »

An aging man lived alone in Ireland.  His son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.  The old man wrote his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE,don't did up the garden, that is where I buried all the GUNS!!!!

At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but, didn't find any guns.  Confused, the man wrote his son telling him what had happened and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
Logged

"B"
-Achieving a goal even when you come in last is still an accomplishment-
The Firishman
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 49


Living Life in a Blissful State of Unconsciousness


« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2009, 09:18:43 PM »

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".
Logged

"B"
-Achieving a goal even when you come in last is still an accomplishment-
The Firishman
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 49


Living Life in a Blissful State of Unconsciousness


« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2009, 09:21:07 PM »

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. ""Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"
« Last Edit: March 13, 2009, 11:17:44 PM by shawn murphy » Logged

"B"
-Achieving a goal even when you come in last is still an accomplishment-
The Firishman
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 49


Living Life in a Blissful State of Unconsciousness


« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2009, 09:24:10 PM »

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!

Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.
Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"
And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."
Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're
cooking."
Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"

"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?" "No, what good is it ?"
"Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !"
« Last Edit: March 13, 2009, 11:20:14 PM by shawn murphy » Logged

"B"
-Achieving a goal even when you come in last is still an accomplishment-
Mike
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Posts: 66



« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2009, 06:25:17 AM »


An Irish judge was leaving a pub on a Friday night when a wave of nausea came over him and he threw up all over his suit.
When he got home he said to his wife.
“Aye Peggy, this drunk ran into me on the street, threw up all over me fine suit he did.”
Peggy didn’t say a word. She took his suit and cleaned it and pressed it that weekend. Come Monday as he was walking out the door. He turned to his wife and said.
“Thank you Peggy, I’m going to give that drunk 30 days for soiling me fine suit, I am.”
Peggy said.
“You had better give him 60 days, he shit in your pants as well.”
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Concealed Carry, because a cop is way too heavy to haul around.
Mike
Full Member
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Posts: 66



« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2009, 06:40:44 PM »

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,

"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation
Logged

Concealed Carry, because a cop is way too heavy to haul around.
The Firishman
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 49


Living Life in a Blissful State of Unconsciousness


« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2009, 07:06:03 PM »

Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
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"B"
-Achieving a goal even when you come in last is still an accomplishment-
The Firishman
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 49


Living Life in a Blissful State of Unconsciousness


« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2009, 07:09:08 PM »

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'
The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'
Logged

"B"
-Achieving a goal even when you come in last is still an accomplishment-
The Firishman
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 49


Living Life in a Blissful State of Unconsciousness


« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2009, 07:10:12 PM »

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €*5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

* € or Euro converts to an American dollar, more or less, to the nearest approximation.
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"B"
-Achieving a goal even when you come in last is still an accomplishment-
The Firishman
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 49


Living Life in a Blissful State of Unconsciousness


« Reply #19 on: March 17, 2009, 07:13:18 PM »

Father O' Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is'

'This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department.  Can you help us?'
'I can.'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do'

'Is he a member of your congregation?' He is'

'Did he donate €*10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Logged

"B"
-Achieving a goal even when you come in last is still an accomplishment-
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