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murphyclannw.com  |  Most Anything (Public View)  |  Irish & Scottish Jokes  |  Topic: Irish Jokes Thread « previous next »
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Author Topic: Irish Jokes Thread  (Read 10012 times)
Mike
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« on: March 09, 2009, 01:35:15 PM »

The British and the Irish Collide

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2009, 07:44:40 PM by shawn murphy » Logged

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Mike
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« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2009, 01:36:01 PM »

What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?






One less drunk.
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Mike
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« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2009, 01:37:56 PM »

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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Mike
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Posts: 66



« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2009, 01:38:58 PM »

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
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shawn murphy
That's MR Murphy
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Chin up, eyes on the horizon No regets, no worries


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« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2009, 11:22:31 AM »

Mike sent this one via email just a bit ago, I thought it belonged here.

An Irishman goes to the doctor

Now we know that many an Irisher likes his bottle, eh?

Mr. ODonnell went to the doctor and was asked to give a urine sample.

Mr. Odonnell asked, "What's a urine sample?"

The doctor, and Englishman, replied, "Go piss in a bottle."

Then he retorted, "Go shit in yer hat"

And the fight was on!
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shawn murphy
That's MR Murphy
Administrator
Sr. Member
*****
Posts: 187


Chin up, eyes on the horizon No regets, no worries


WWW
« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2009, 07:56:59 PM »


A Guy walks into a Pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. Amazed, the guitar man pays up his £50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."
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The Firishman
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Living Life in a Blissful State of Unconsciousness


« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2009, 09:01:08 PM »

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were life long friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn.  "O'Brian, come 'ere. I'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome y the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye , tis a fine thing you ask me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
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"B"
-Achieving a goal even when you come in last is still an accomplishment-
Mike
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Posts: 66



« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2009, 02:45:40 PM »

Bad Company....

"Tell me, Patrick, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?" asked the parish priest.

"Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle."

"But you were with Mick Mulligan, Sean O'Toole, and Peter Ryan and they don't drink."

"Dat's what I mean, Father..."
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Mike
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Posts: 66



« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2009, 06:37:23 AM »

Be Careful What You Wish For

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
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The Firishman
Jr. Member
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Posts: 49


Living Life in a Blissful State of Unconsciousness


« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2009, 06:48:29 PM »

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day.  They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too.  I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."  So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get on for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."  The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water"
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"B"
-Achieving a goal even when you come in last is still an accomplishment-
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