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Most Anything (Public View) => Irish & Scottish Jokes => Topic started by: Mike on March 09, 2009, 01:35:15 PM



Title: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on March 09, 2009, 01:35:15 PM
The British and the Irish Collide

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on March 09, 2009, 01:36:01 PM
What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?






One less drunk.


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on March 09, 2009, 01:37:56 PM
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on March 09, 2009, 01:38:58 PM
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: shawn murphy on March 10, 2009, 11:22:31 AM
Mike sent this one via email just a bit ago, I thought it belonged here.

An Irishman goes to the doctor

Now we know that many an Irisher likes his bottle, eh?

Mr. ODonnell went to the doctor and was asked to give a urine sample.

Mr. Odonnell asked, "What's a urine sample?"

The doctor, and Englishman, replied, "Go piss in a bottle."

Then he retorted, "Go shit in yer hat"

And the fight was on!


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: shawn murphy on March 10, 2009, 07:56:59 PM

A Guy walks into a Pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. Amazed, the guitar man pays up his £50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 10, 2009, 09:01:08 PM
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were life long friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn.  "O'Brian, come 'ere. I'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome y the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye , tis a fine thing you ask me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on March 11, 2009, 02:45:40 PM
Bad Company....

"Tell me, Patrick, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?" asked the parish priest.

"Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle."

"But you were with Mick Mulligan, Sean O'Toole, and Peter Ryan and they don't drink."

"Dat's what I mean, Father..."


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on March 12, 2009, 06:37:23 AM
Be Careful What You Wish For

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 12, 2009, 06:48:29 PM
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day.  They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too.  I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."  So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get on for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."  The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water"


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 12, 2009, 06:55:47 PM
An aging man lived alone in Ireland.  His son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.  The old man wrote his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE,don't did up the garden, that is where I buried all the GUNS!!!!

At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but, didn't find any guns.  Confused, the man wrote his son telling him what had happened and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 13, 2009, 09:18:43 PM
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 13, 2009, 09:21:07 PM
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. ""Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 13, 2009, 09:24:10 PM
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!

Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.
Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"
And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."
Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're
cooking."
Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"

"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?" "No, what good is it ?"
"Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !"


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on March 16, 2009, 06:25:17 AM

An Irish judge was leaving a pub on a Friday night when a wave of nausea came over him and he threw up all over his suit.
When he got home he said to his wife.
“Aye Peggy, this drunk ran into me on the street, threw up all over me fine suit he did.”
Peggy didn’t say a word. She took his suit and cleaned it and pressed it that weekend. Come Monday as he was walking out the door. He turned to his wife and said.
“Thank you Peggy, I’m going to give that drunk 30 days for soiling me fine suit, I am.”
Peggy said.
“You had better give him 60 days, he shit in your pants as well.”


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on March 16, 2009, 06:40:44 PM
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,

"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 17, 2009, 07:06:03 PM
Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 17, 2009, 07:09:08 PM
An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'
The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 17, 2009, 07:10:12 PM
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €*5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

* € or Euro converts to an American dollar, more or less, to the nearest approximation.


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 17, 2009, 07:13:18 PM
Father O' Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is'

'This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department.  Can you help us?'
'I can.'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do'

'Is he a member of your congregation?' He is'

'Did he donate €*10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 17, 2009, 07:14:05 PM
I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.

I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:

'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.

'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled O'Reilly.'

'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 19, 2009, 07:14:14 AM
An American tourist travelling in County Clare, Ireland came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*. Joke Brian Boru Skull

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

'I've got the very thing for you, 'said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.' Joke Brian Boru Skull

'You cheat, 'exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago, 'and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.'

'You have got it wrong, 'opined the seller, '' This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.'

* Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland.  In a turning point in the war with the Vikings, Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat.  Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O' Brien clan.


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: The Firishman on March 19, 2009, 07:16:33 AM
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on April 16, 2009, 01:45:40 PM
Seamus wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's St. Paddy's Day Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Ol' Seamus had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Seamus sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house..

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Seamus asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'so, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?

I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?

His son replies, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone Bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on October 06, 2009, 11:05:28 AM
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
__________________


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on November 05, 2009, 05:12:28 PM
Logical Irish Conclusion

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "No no you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."


Title: Re: Irish Jokes Thread
Post by: Mike on November 12, 2009, 07:06:41 PM
A hooded robber burst into a Belfast Bank and forced the tellers to load
a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor
in silence.

The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was
plainly afraid to speak. Then one old Irishman tentatively raised his hand
and said, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."